unsaid words.

Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never be fully fixed.

I FUCKING LET YOU SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH MY FAMILY, BECAUSE YOU WERE ALONE.
I FUCKING SPENT EVERY SINGLE DAY WITH YOU.
I FUCKING DROVE TO YOUR HOUSE JUST TO GIVE YOU A HUG CUZ YOU WERE FEELING DOWN.
I FUCKING PICKED YOUR DRUNK AS FROM BOYS HOUSES,
THEN FUCKING WOKE UP EARLY THE NEXT MORNING TO DRIVE YOU TO WORK.
I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU WITH EVERYTHING,
AND THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING THANK ME

YOU’RE FUCKING INSANE, WHEN YOU CALL ME CRYING CUZ YOU’RE FRIENDS ARENT TRUE, IMMA TELL YOU TO FUCK RIGHT OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

bitch.

January 30th, 2012

Every time my phone rings, I pray and pray that when I look down I would see that it was you calling me. But it’s not like if you were I would forgive you for everything and be with you again. I don’t know if its the satisfaction I want or what. All I know is I miss you like crazy, and I hope you miss me to.

The Eagles

if there’s anything twenty eleven’s taught me, it’s this: forgiveness is never easy. it doesn’t matter if you’re saying please forgive me or i forgive you. it’s difficult and doesn’t come easy but fuck, when it happens, it’s worth it. it’s worth it in the end.

what i do know now is this: if you mean it, whether you’re saying please forgive me or i forgive you, if you really mean it, it sets you free. it doesn’t absolve you of your sin or your guilt or your anger or your hurt but it heals you a little, from within, and it sets you free. it doesn’t right wrongs or reverse the irreversible. that isn’t what forgiveness is about. it’s about finding the strength from within to admit you were wrong and to want to alleviate the other person’s hurt and pain. it’s about finding the strength from within to allow yourself to hurt a little less and heal a little more and to want to alleviate the other person’s sin and guilt. it’s not about forgetting the wrong that has been done, the pain that has been caused, the hurt that has been carved into your heart but it’s about letting go of all that negative energy so you’ll be able to breathe a little easier, a little more.

if i’ve hurt you, please forgive me.

and if you’ve hurt me, i forgive you.

here’s to a kinder twenty twelve.

I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you.

― Jennifer Weiner

Dear A

What is happening?

Ever since I was born i’ve had a heart problem. Originally my heart was too small so when I was 4 years old, I had heart surgery and had something implanted to make my heart bigger. This has thus caused me to now have very low blood pressure so if I don’t take care of myself I’ll pass out. However, last night was different. Usually if I don’t eat, sleep or if it’s too hot is what causes me to go down. But last night was none of those reason. For the past four months I have PTSD, which causes me to randomly go into panic and anxiety attacks. Last night I had one and I couldn’t breathe. As I was standing in my room crying harder than usual and gasping for air, I just felt everything leave my body. Every thing that made me hurt or cry or laugh, it all just left, and my heart stopped. Im not too sure how long I was out for, but when I came to my senses, I realized I was on my bedroom floor and my entire body felt tingly. I don’t know what happened, was it just a normal fainting spell that I always have or was this something different? I haven’t told my parents yet, don’t want to worry them.